There comes a point when people start feeling uncomfortable with your grief. You can see it in their veiled “just keep going” messages when they see you.
But what if I can’t? What if I don’t want to?
Through this whole “thing” of BJ dying lots of people have said the right thing. But now as time is moving forward, I sense that people are less ok with me STILL being devastated. They love me and support me, but they want me to be better.
And that just makes me want to rant
MY HUSBAND OF FOUR YEARS, MY BEST FRIEND OF SEVEN YEARS DIED.
DIED IN FRONT OF ME.
IN MY ARMS.
MY HUSBAND. MY MAN. MY LIFE PARTNER. MY DREAMS. MY WHOLE WORLD.
And it was not expected. It wasn’t in the plans.
And it makes me want to remind people that If I am devastated about this 3 months after his death
or 6 months
or 12 months
or 2 years
or 5 years
or decades after his death
THAT IS OKAY.
And I know deep down people believe that,
They know and believe that grief comes in waves,
But their actions show that they are uncomfortable with the darker parts of loss.
Now here’s thing about darkness in response to death–
It can’t consume you. And I was the first to say I can’t let this loss ruin my entire life.
But I also care deeply about emotional health and authentic living,
So if I have a bad day or week or month,
I have to FEEL it and EXPRESS it and LET THE DARKNESS IN.
AND THAT IS OKAY TOO.
I can’t change how I feel, I can only feel it.
Plus, this whole grieving thing is non-linear.
That’s why I can write about hope and gratitude 5 hours after his death
And then about devastation and ruin 12 weeks after his death.
AND IT’S ALL OKAY.
It’s called being human.
It’s called allowing myself to live in this broken world.
It’s called longing for Heaven.
So I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable with the fact that I’m really, really sad.
But where else can I be but where I am?
What else can I do but be honest in each moment?
What else can I do but let you into the darkness?
But also let you into the hope?
I don’t know.
This is all so hard.
And I wish it wasn’t my burden to carry.