Feeling Icky | andreaenright.net

 

I felt an uneasiness as I tried to go to bed last night.

I put my head to my pillow and the streets were miraculously quiet (thank you NYC Snowpocalypse 2015).

But I still couldn’t sleep.

I had written this post. I shared our bad news. And so many people reached out. Shared my post. Said nice things. Bought BJ’s photos.

And I felt a cloak of ickyness weigh down on me.

I felt ashamed. Awkward. Embarrassed.

Maybe I shouldn’t have asked for help. They could have done something better with their money. We don’t deserve this.

So I had to check in with my spirit. I had to get down to it and ask myself:

Am I feeling uncomfortable because I shouldn’t have asked those people to help us? Because I did the wrong thing?

or

Am I feeling uncomfortable because I am overwhelmed and shocked by the grace raining down on us?

And before I could think the thought,

the words

Grace
Grace
Grace
Grace

swelled up in my soul.

You feel uncomfortable because your uncomfortable with My Great Grace.

(Thanks a lot, soul.)

And of course I felt uncomfortable–

Love was POURING OUT upon us.

And it felt strange. Uneasy. To feel, hear, see tangible support.

You see, we live in a time where strength means Do-It-Yourself and success means Independence.

AGH CATS SHUT UP.

(My cats won’t stop meowing.)

Ok. I lied guys. Remember this? I lied. I can’t stop. First lie: I’m writing this late at night. I said I tried to fall asleep last night but what I should have said is THIS night. Blogging is hard guys. I was trying to write this post as if it were tomorrow. Am I making sense? Probably not. Because Midnight. Anyways, I lied.

I ALSO lied about the house being miraculously quiet. It’s not. Snowpocalypse seems to only HEIGHTEN the amount of sound I am hearing.

HELLO truck scooping snow at MIDNIGHT.
HELLO neighbors below listening to TV at MIDNIGHT
HELLO neighbors above walking around at MIDNIGHT
HELLO cats down the hall meowing to get out. NO YOU CAN’T YOU WILL WAKE US UP AT 5 AM YOU WILL NOT BE SET FREE FROM THE OFFICE YOU WILL STAY IN THE OFFICE AND NO YOU CAN’T SLEEP WITH US UNTIL YOU LEARN NOT TO MEOW AT US AT 5AM ON THE DOT AND KNOCK AROUND LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN THE ROOM. GLASSES. PHONES. CANDLES. NO CATS NO.

So actually, snowpocolypse is making everything sound-y-ER. (That’s a word. Sound-y-ER. Meaning “with more sound.” And NO it’s not soundier, it’s SOUND-Y-ER.)

Seriously. The quiet streets are making everything louder.

ANYWAYS.

Grace.

This all goes to show I am very uncomfortable with grace. With help. With love. With compliments. With people buying things and supporting us and saying lovely words.

AND with all the annoying sounds I keep hearing. NEIGHBORS. BE QUIET.

ANYWAYS.

Grace.

I’m clearly learning something. Because I am TERRIBLE at this.

I feel an ickyness. A shame. A cloud hovering. Because my brain tells me

You shouldn’t need help.
If you were stronger, you would be fine.
How embarrassing that you shared you were struggling.

When I should instead be celebrating the miraculous, undeserved grace I’m receiving.

But it makes sense. If I have a lying habit, my brain must too!

GUYS. My BRAIN is a LIAR JUST like me! My brain is lying.

Because I DO need help! I do I DO.

And YES. Receiving grace is GOOD.

So thanks, friends, thanks for the help.

Thanks for purchasing prints and sharing on facebook and saying nice things and praying your guts out.

And thanks, soul. Thanks for helping me point out my brain’s lies. For reminding me it’s OK to need help. For telling me grace grace grace grace every time I need it.

 

 

 

Click here to follow my blog with Bloglovin.

Recent posts from Andrea Enright:

 

Some Sad News | andreaenright.net

So, I wrote this a few days ago when I was really sad. Since then, the news has settled in and we aren’t SO completely devastated, just regular devastated. But I’ve been editing furiously to take this post from super-sad to semi-hopeful, to reflect the lack of UTTER devastation, again, just regular devastation, we feel.  And I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded… But guys, there is this snowpocalypse coming to NYC and I am just too exhausted to change all the wording so here she is, boys. Here’s our sad news:

The cancer is still there.

Yup. Not the results we were hoping for.

We got the news last week when we got the results from BJ’s PET scan. And it was really sad. To put it eloquently.

As of now, we are doing ok.  Pretty bummed, of course, but ok. Today was actually better than most because we had a really good appointment with our new doctor who is a Hodgkin’s Lymphoma specialist. She was nice and smart and an EXPERT on BJ’s EXACT disease. We heard about how treatable it is. We heard the hope in her voice.

So we had a really hopeful day.

But I know we’re not always so lucky. Sometimes we have I-just-want-to scream-and-stomp-but-can’t-because-NEIGHBORS kind of days or holy-shit-we-are-re-opening-the-cancer-box-all-over-again-and-we-thought-we-had-PUT-THAT-BOX-AWAY sort of days.  But sometimes we have snowy, sappy, hopeful days where food tastes better and kisses are sweeter.

Guys, I’m getting off track. I’m gonna try to ask you guys to give us money (sort of) and I am just rambling too much and now I am way more stressed about writing this blog post than I am about cancer.

Let’s refocus. I’m sure you want some details. Here are some details:

Phase 2.

That’s what we’re calling it. It doesn’t really have a name so we named it Phase 2. Well, I named it Phase 2 because I couldn’t remember its real name.

Anyways. Phase 2 will start in about 2 weeks and will take about 4 months to complete. YAY 4 MORE MONTHS OF CANCER!

Said no one ever.

Anyways. Phase 2 involves 4 more chemo-like treatments, which will happen every 3 weeks, and ends with the grand finale of a stem cell transplant, coming to a cancer patient near you around May.

Some good news: Phase 2 most likely won’t cause hair loss. YAY! A beard for BJ!

Some bad news: The stem cell transplant will require a 3-week stay in the hospital and up to 100 days of recovery time at home.

Some good news: Our doctor is fairly confident that this treatment will be very effective.

Some bad news: As always, there are no guarantees.

More bad news: We are pretty worried about BJ losing work and income during his long hospital stay and recovery time after the transplant. It will severely limit his ability to shoot events, and depending on timing, he may have to refund some clients who have weddings booked in May or June.

But some more good news: We have set up an online shop of BJ’s beautiful prints to help raise money to cover the time he will be out of work. We hope you will consider supporting us by buying one of his prints. It would help us out so much and HEY! You’d also get a beautiful photo print or canvas to hang on you wall! We got New York City skylines, beach scenes, and some Oregon photos, of course!

But guys, seriously, this is a no pressure zone. And we already feel wells of gratitude for how so many of you have already helped us. So please know we don’t expect you to contribute, not at all! Just consider this another option, another avenue for helping us out.

And with that said, would you consider sharing BJ’s shop with your friends? Can you blast twitter or facebook or call your mom? (I just feel like everybody’s moms always donate to these sort of things because moms are THE BEST aren’t they?) Anyways, please consider supporting us in this way. I know getting some extra income would set our (but mostly BJ’S) minds at ease as we transition into this scary and uncertain time. (He already feels guilty enough about having cancer. Now it’s cancer AND not working. Yes, BJ is crazy. Cancerous and crazy. EVERYONE knows cancer is not his fault. EVERYONE. But he still feels guilty. GET OVER IT BJ. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT AND WE ALL LOVE YOU AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS AND YOU ARE STRONG AND WE AREN’T REALLY ASKING FOR MONEY WE ARE JUST ASKING PEOPLE TO CONSIDER BUYING A PHOTO PRINT AND THAT IS DIFFERENT. SORT OF. )

Anyways, want to buy a picture?

Ok, enough of that. Time for some gratitude. More than anything, thank you all, you ALL, for your continued support, prayers, and messages of encouragement. It’s frustrating to say we need it all over again but I KNOW you guys will come through. And for that, we are SO grateful. Words cannot express.

Much love,

Andrea & BJ

 

 

 

 

Click here to follow my blog with Bloglovin.

Recent posts from Andrea Enright:

 

BJE_5124

BJ and I have been saving up for a while and we finally have a chunk of money set aside. We’ve had our eyes on three big purchases we want to make but the catch is we really only have money to do ONE of the three big purchases we had in mind. So how do we decide?

I thought I’d turn to you.

Adulthood and finances are such uncharted territory for us, so I thought I’d open the dialogue and ask for YOUR thoughts about all this. I want to see what you think we should prioritize, and what kind of questions we should be asking ourselves.

First, let me tell you the 3 Big Purchases we are looking at:

Lasik eye surgery for me
A Cancer-Free Celebration/Relaxation/Recovery trip to Mexico
All-New Furniture for our apartment

And look at them closer:

Lasik
My current contacts are REALLY expensive. I use daily disposable contacts which are more expensive than other kinds of contacts. Our annual expenses for contacts are maybe $400-600 a year. Lasik looks like it would be $3000-5000, but it would be a one time cost. I’m young, I’m 25, so it could really save us some money in the long run. And it’s the kind of procedure I’ve always known I’d have to do SOMEDAY. But it now the right time? Should this be my first priority? But it’s just so PRACTICAL. I don’t know if I can bring myself to it. Maybe I’d rather pay monthly for my contacts (like we have already been doing) and go on a fantastic vacation instead…

Vacation
BJ just beat cancer. And the one thing we’ve kept saying to each other through the past six months of chemo is “we are going to get one HELL of a vacation out of this shit.” We talked about a trip to Ireland, a dream destination for BJ, but then we realized life has been so chaotic that what we actually needed to lay on a beach. We need to rest and rejuvenate and swim in the ocean and CELEBRATE no cancer. But now that it’s all over, life has gotten dramatically less stressful (amazing how just ending chemo can do that for ya.) So it doesn’t feel so pressing to go on a vacation RIGHT NOW. It would be nice, of course, but we COULD hold off if we needed to, OR opt for a mini vaca some place closer. We could probably do an on-the-cheap trip to Florida for under $800. Fly standby through my dad’s airline, rent a cheap condo, and sit on the beach. OR we could do a big resort vacation we’ve been talking about. So friends, should we skimp or should we splurge? Or should we hold off all together and buy new furniture…

Furniture
We work from home. And right now our home is not a restful or organized place. I’ve known for some time that our apartment needs an overhaul. We need area rugs and book shelves, a dining table, new sofa, and storage cabinets. To do what I REALLY want we need a a few thousand. We work from home, we are always at home. And in some aspects, I don’t think we’d NEED a vacation so bad if we truly had a relaxing and rejuvenating place to come home to.

 

I know this is a luxurious problem to have. The world is not ending, and I know that. But I really want to learn to be a good steward of my money, while also not being afraid to spend it. My head ALWAYS goes to the practical- but maybe beating cancer is a good excuse to splurge on a vacation. But then I’ve been complaining about my apartment for 3 years. Maybe now would be a good time to re-do it exactly how I’d like it. It could amp up my productivity and boost my energy at home.

I keep going in circles and circles. There is a good reason for all three purchase. Really, I just want to hit the jackpot and do all three. But since I can’t, what should I do?

So friends, help a sister out. Let me know- where would you start? How would you choose? What would you prioritize and what would you put off? What would YOU do?

 

 

 

Click here to follow my blog with Bloglovin.

Recent posts from Andrea Enright:

 


Guys,

I am sitting in a coffee shop, trying to get some work done and I CANNOT. Stop. Peeing.

I swear it. It’s a problem. So we’ve been sitting here maybe 3 hours and I’ve gone 6 times.

That sixth time was hard guys. I had peed thirty minutes earlier. And after that fifth pee I had RESOLVED to not drink any more hot tea/water/iced chai tea latte so I would stop peeing SO DAMN MUCH. So I DID NOT TAKE A SIP. Not a single sip of liquid, and I instead I grabbed a ricola and started sucking.

You see, I’m nursing post nasal drip/sinus/allergy/sore throat awfullness. So I’ve been drinking A LOT of liquid. Tea. Water. Tea. Water. I thirst. I THIRSTTTTTTTTTT. And my throat– it hurts. It HURTSSSSS.

And so I drink.

Anyways, I had my fifth pee and thirty minutes later I felt that sixth pee coming on. After drinking NO liquid.

NO. This CANNOT be happening, I thought.

THIRTY MINUTES, ANDREA?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU HAVEN’T HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO WAIT AT LEAST- AT LEAST- AN HOUR BEFORE YOU PEE AGAIN.

(And no I’m not pregnant/yeast infectious/bladder impaired. I’M JUST THIRSTY and WEIRD.)

I was horrified. Humiliated.

I WILL NOT walk past the two old men playing cards, the college kid with white headphones, that financial advisor guy, and the girl with two, yes TWO laptops set up. I will not pass them for the SIXTH time. And yes I knew who they all were because I’d walked past them 6 times.

I felt embarrassment. Shame. These bathroom sitter-nearers were going to JUDGE me. They are going to think THAT GIRL HAS GOT A PROBLEM or WHAT IS SHE DRINKING.

And I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to squash that sixth pee within me.

I started plotting another bathroom I could go to. Maybe I could run to the sushi place next door, quickly order a roll of sushi and then pee.

Yes. I was willing to go next door and spend money on sushi before facing the Shame of the Sixth Pee.

THIS is how much I care about what people think of me.

But the Sixth Pee was too strong within me.

So I put on my coat and my hair in a bun and prayed they wouldn’t recognize me.

 


Click here to follow my blog with Bloglovin.

Recent posts from Andrea Enright:

Top Posts from my first year of blogging | andreaenright.net

Guys, I did it. I blogged for a whole year.

I wrote my very first post on December 9, 2013, and since then I’ve written 114 posts.

ONE YEAR. I can’t believe it.

Man has it gone by fast. I feel like it was just yesterday I was ranting about soup and walking around with no tooth. (Anyone remember that?)

I’ve really enjoyed blogging. I’ve loved it. But MAN it’s been hard. It feels good to look back on a year’s worth of work. Makes me excited to keep trucking along! I have some big plans for Year 2 of blogging. But for now, I thought it would be fun to look back on some of my top posts from my first year of blogging!
 

Most Read Posts of the Year:
1. I’m Exhausted/Cancer
2. In Sickness and In Health
3. Welcome to My White Hot Cancer Rage
4. The Robin Williams Post I Don’t Want to Write
5. TOOTHLESS: A Photo Series

Most Pinned Posts:
1. DIY Henna Dye Tutorial
2. Talking to a 4-Year-Old might change your life
3. I Don’t Love My Body: My Messy Beautiful
4. Everybody’s Friend and Nobody’s Friend
5. I Have A Lying Problem

Most Commented On Post:
Can We Talk About Pap Smears?

Most Comments on Facebook:
Guys, I made the most disgusting soup and I don’t know what to do about it
 
And now for some of my favorites!
 
Favorite Post Nobody Read:
Do you ever have irrational crying fits?

Favorite Silly Post:
Naming My Imaginary Children

Favorite Rant:
When Father’s Day Sucks

Favorite Poem:
Grace

And My Favorite Post of The Year:
Moving From Crushed to Cheerful

 

Well there you have it, the top posts of my first year of blogging. I am so glad I got my thoughts out there. I’m so glad I wrote even when I didn’t want to. And I am so grateful to have documented this year of my life. I may not have changed the world or gone viral, but I’m deeply proud of the work I’ve done here.

Thank you for reading, for listening, for tolerating my rants and raves, for commenting, sharing, liking…  it means more than you know. And I hope you’ll stick along.

 

 

 

 


Click here to follow my blog with Bloglovin.

Recent posts from Andrea Enright: