Oh grief, you keep me on my toes.

Yesterday I could barely get out of bed.

Today espresso shots and friends and cats meant I forgot the pain for a bit.

Oh grief, you hit hard after 20 minutes at the funeral home trying to pick out memorial plaques.

I thought I could do it.

But I could not.

Because the fact that I, at 26 years old, need to pick out a memorial plot for my young, handsome husband still

puzzles me and
shocks me and
confuses me and
hurts me and
angers me.

But oh grief,

How you stilled with a pizza dinner with my family.

With just deciding to stay in.

With not caring about anything but being present in the moment.

With honoring my pain.

With doing what I need to do to be healthy and healing and my truest self.

Oh grief, you are the hardest thing I have ever done.

Oh grief, you make easy things hard.

Oh grief, you make me confusing to other people.

Oh grief, you are just so damn relentless.

Oh grief, what do you have in store for me tomorrow?

 
 
 
 

 
 

Today

I didn’t wash my hair.

I didn’t put makeup on.

I wore glasses because when I cry that hard my eyes get puffy and I can’t wear contacts.

 

Today

I felt unbearable pain.

Like longer he’s dead the harder life gets.

Or at least that’s how it seemed.

 

Today

I wanted to sleep all day.

I felt alone with my pain.

And when I wasn’t distracted I was unbearably sad.

 

Today

I felt all the pain, all the suffering of a dead spouse.

A dead spouse.

A dead man.

A dead best friend.

In a world of people who are so alarmingly alive.

 

Today

I felt so devastated I was single.

I felt so sure I will be alone forever.

I felt so convinced my suffering would never let up.

 

Tomorrow?

I don’t know.

 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
Don’t mind me.

I’m only just

FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE FUTURE.

LIKE, FUH-REAKING OUT.

Here is how I feel today:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOD?

WHAT ON EARTHHHHHHH?????

WHAT ON HEAVENNNNNNN?????????

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE?

WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IT?

I’LL DO ANYTHING I JUST WANT IT TO MATTER.

I DON’T WANT TO BE FAMOUS OR IMPORTANT OR FANCY.

I JUST WANT TO DO WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO.

I must have been born to do SOMETHING.

WELL WHAT IS IT???

 

It just feels like a lifetime of NO’S have come my way.

No to acting

No to musical theatre

No to BJ

No to New York City

No to marriage

No to babies

No to jobs

No to places

No to people

GOD, WHAT IS MY YES?

WHEN IS MY YES?

WHERE IS MY YES?

I NEED A YES.

PLEASE GIVE ME A YES.

PLEASE.

ABBA PLEASE.

I’m trying to trust you.

I DO trust you.

I just want a yes.

Please.

A yes.

 

 

Pardon the rant.

And the caps lock.

But I do feel better now.

And just imagine–

Yesterday I posted a meditation about my life’s purpose.

My life’s purpose:

To do good works.

 

How quickly I forget.

 

Will you pray for me?

 

 

 

 

 

IMG_7911

This week’s meditation.

 

Remember this old thing? My last Sunday Best was all the way back in June 2014. And it wasn’t even a Sunday Best, hah.

I’ve been scaling back my social media intake, for reasons I’m sure will turn into a blog post, so I’m taking to the blog for my major life updates- kind of like the olden days. So come back here regularly if you’re looking for what is going on with me lately.

And now for some articles and favorites of the week…

Choose life instead of staying on brand.

The surprising benefits of a broken heart.

This is how to run and inspire a company. Might need to start eating yogurt!

This is my favorite article from my last Sunday Best, but it’s so good it’s worth sharing again. And this time it takes on a whole new meaning.

The most amazing new kids book. Girl Power!

The incredible brain science of gratitude.

Go, Hamilton, go!

Find out more about my trip to Zimbabwe here.
 

What I’m Reading

Out of Sorts by Sarah Bessey
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
Radical by David Platt
The Book of Psalms
(You know, from the Bible… cliche but SO GOOD. Have you read through them lately? Lament and praise all intertwined… the Psalms are sustaining me right now.)

 
Recently Read Books & Recommended

Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion by Gregory Boyle
The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas
Garden City by John Mark Comer

 
Prayer Requests

For my interview for Western Seminary’s Counseling Program Tuesday morning, for energy to start fundraising and writing letters and blog posts for my Zimbabwe trip, and all things grief and sadness and healing for me. It’s been a very difficult few weeks. I hit the anger stage of grief for the first time and that was a new experience. It’s still so hard and the future is so uncertain.

 

Thanks for reading, friends. How have you been?

 

 

 
 
 
 

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It’s been 313 days.

13 has always been my special number.

So when I went to the little date calculator to calculate how many days I’ve lived with BJ dead,
before I even plugged in the numbers I thought to myself…

“I bet it’s been 313 days. Because of course it would be. Because 13 is my special number for BJ.”

And there we go, 313 days indeed.

And also OF COURSE it’s been 313 days.

And also, ever noticed how the letter “B” is a 1 and 3 smashed together?

That the “B” of BJ himself is my lucky number 13?

I just think that’s so cool.

Thanks for the wink, Abba.
 
 
_____

 
 

In other news, it feels like posting an update on facebook or instagram is such such a commitment these days. It seems very public, very exposed.

And so I struggle with knowing when and where to share my private thoughts.

I’m happy baring my soul. I want to share the private moments of grief and joy and pain and hope,
but sometimes it can feel so cheap to post on facebook and get a billion likes.

Did they really read? Did they really care? Did they really pray?

So I’m here at the blog, a place where my innermost thoughts still feel safe. As long as I don’t share this post on facebook, it’s a small tribe who gathers here and reads and prays for me and loves me well.

If you’re reading, I’m grateful for you.

When something big happens, something life-changing and utterly life-altering happens,
things can start feeling cheap.

Anything that is not Big or Meaningful feels cheap.

And so I crave real real real things.

And I want real hugs and real friends and real prayers.

And I realize what really matters in this life.

And nothing else will do.

And yet the irony is I find myself filling up with cheap things like scrolling facebook and watching videos and wasting time.

It’s not all bad. But then I wonder if I’m spending my nights with media in the absence of spending them with BJ.

I am craving love desperately.

Deep down I know God can meet my every need. He HAS met my every need.

But still God gives us earthly relationships to be a reflection of His love here on earth.

And so I find myself craving deep friendship. Craving to be deeply known. Craving to be deeply loved.

I know the cravings aren’t bad.

God designed us to crave good things– Love is good. Friendship is good. Marriage is good.

But I have to first orient those cravings around my desperate need for God.

I feel like I’m rambling but who’s reading this anyway? Hah.

My heart is healing but I still daily need to do brain yoga to wrap my mind around my new reality.
My new life.

Oh Abba, what do you have in store for me?

I’m trying to trust you.

Oh Abba, where do you want to lead me?

I’ll go anywhere for you.

Oh Abba, who am I supposed to invest myself in?

You know me better than I know myself.

 
 
 
 

Click here if you’d like to help send me to Zimbabwe this summer.

Click here to follow my blog with Bloglovin.

Recent posts from Andrea Enright: