This is some hard $&@ we are going through. This cancer.
BJ, poor baby, pillow talked with me last night.
You think I put on too brave a face so that now everyone thinks I’m OK and I can do this?
Yes, baby, I think you did.
I think they all think we are stronger than we are, and we aren’t that strong.
This is hard.
I mean we are strong.
We are doing OK.
But we don’t have it all figured out.
Because cancer is a Big Deal.
So many cancer feels.
But I think mostly what BJ and I are feeling is that this cancer is still a BIG DEAL.
You would think cancer becomes a smaller deal the longer you deal with it. That it become more manageable, or something.
But it doesn’t become a smaller deal the longer you trudge through it, in fact, it becomes even BIGGER a deal.
It has a cumulative effect. It just gets harder.
And it never, ever becomes manageable.
And now, MORE THAN EVER, we need support.
My poor Mom. Most days I call her and complain that she’s not doing enough for us.
I feel awful about it, but it’s how I feel. I had to apologize to her for always bringing it at a bad time. And with a harsh tone. I’m grateful she was able to forgive my brashness.
It’s hard to think this thought:
“People aren’t doing enough for us.”
It’s an awful feeling to have.
The WORST feeling.
It’s a selfish feeling, an entitled feeling, and yet I can’t stop FEELING it.
But I don’t think that’s the crux of the issue. I know people are doing the best they can with us with their limited scope of knowledge.
So ACTUALLY, I guess I just wish people still acted like this cancer is a Big Deal.
Like it was a Capital B Capital D Big Deal.
That we didn’t get treated like everything’s-back-to-normal-Andrea-and-BJ,
Because we’re NOT everything’s-back-to-normal-Andrea-and-BJ.
We still need help, we still need support.
Now more than ever, I think.
Every time I write an angsty, rant-y, emotional cancer post, I immediately get and influx of people texting and messaging encouragement and offers for help.
And it’s great, but it’s temporary.
And then, when I feel like I’m in the thick of it, the encouragement is gone.
And then it’s feels like people have forgotten.
Sometimes I feel like my blog exists only as a reminder to others that OH YEAH, BJ still has cancer and it still sucks.
It’s hard because I wish people just KNEW that with out me blogging about it. That they just knew it was hard and knew that it sucks and didn’t need me to have a freak out via the internet to remember.
Tabitha knew that this week. And thank you, THANK YOU, Tabitha. She texted me out of the blue a cancer-prayer-pep-talk.
(And Tabitha I never texted you back but I read it. And then I forgot I never texted you back but by then it had been like 3 days so I was too exhausted to write a lengthy text explaining how I loved your text but I am just terrible at texting. So I thought I’d shout out here. THANK YOU.)
And her text made me feel remembered. She remembered that cancer was still a BIG DEAL and we STILL needed prayer and we STILL needed healing and she just KNEW and didn’t need to be reminded. And then I felt known. And supported. And remembered.
It was like she knew that now, more than ever, we need the support.
Friends, please don’t be afraid to reach out.
I know it’s uncharted territory.
I know it’s hard and awkward and weird.
But I would love some unexpected encouragement.
I would love some prayer when I’m in the thick of it.
I would love some support when I think NO ONE remembers, when I HAVEN’T written a rant-y cancer blog post.
I would love for you to be the one to make me feel better.
I would love it if in those times when I feel like no one remembers, you’d remember.
It’d mean A LOT.
But don’t get me wrong, I get it. I know it’s hard to know/care/remember people’s problems unless we are reminded about them.
No hard feelings if you haven’t reached out.
But if you’re reading this, you’re probably the kind of person who want to do better. Who wants to make people feel supported and known and loved. So go ahead and let me know (and if it’s via text, preferably not right this second.)
Tell me you think cancer is still a BIG DEAL. And that you’re sorry I have to deal with this $%^. And don’t expect a text back, just know that I got it and that I was grateful. (Here’s an advanced THANK YOU!!)
Or send a card or a meal or a care package or a Flat Stanley photo to BJ. Just send it. Don’t ask. Just say “I’m bringing you ____ tonight. It’s happening. Just tell me when.”
Or share one of BJ’s photo shoots on Facebook and say how much you like his work.
We need it more than ever.
It’s still a Big Deal.
Oh and, you guys are the best.
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