Things have been getting worse.
I thought 4 Weeks/30 Days would be some signpost on how I can survive.
And now I’m at a whopping 32 days and it’s just getting harder.
Maybe it’s because I hit a huge tidal wave of grief a few days ago that I still find myself sinking under.
This will pass. It’s what I hear. It’s what I know.
But it’s so bad. It’s so hard. It’s so dark and deep and all-encompasssing.
I want to be that Happy Andrea.
I want to be productive.
I don’t want to sink anymore, I want to rise.
But here I am, sinking.
Through it all, I do hear one clear encouragement from the Lord:
Don’t worry, Andrea. You are exactly where you need to be.
You have never been outside my will.
You are right in the center of my embrace.
The center of my purpose.
So right now, where I need to be is sinking deep into the ocean of sadness.
Just taking a trip on that Sad Boat.
Just a BIG OLE round-the-world cruise on that Sad Boat.
I do feel support as I ride the Boat. People are shouting out encouragements to me. People are throwing money into my Sad Boat.
It helps. It does, it does!
Yes, people are trying to help me get off and on that Sad Boat, and yes, everyone is doing a great job. Everyone’s working overtime!
But on that Sad Boat I remain.
And I want to get off.
It’s just not my time.
I hope people keep loving on me. It makes my boat easier to float.
And I hope they realize it’s not their fault I’m still on the boat.
They’re doing everything they can!
And I guess I need to give myself that same grace–
And tell myself over and over again how it’s not MY fault I’m still on the boat
I’m doing everything I can.
And I guess I’m right where I need to be.
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