You know those people who have like giant tumor things growing on them but they never go to the doctor? And then they FINALLY go when they are literally gasping for air / at-deaths-door and the doctor is all like How long has this been bothering you? And the patient is all like EIGHT YEARS. And the TV audience at home is all like WHAT THE WHAT?
I am that tumor person.
The pap smears.
Let me explain.
I’ve never had a pap smear. Like in my whole life.
I have TRIED to get a pap smear – before my wedding – but the doctor said she “couldn’t do it” and “it won’t work” or WHATEVER THAT means.
So I never went again. And I’ve been married almost three years.
And can we just talk about the WORD “pap smear” for a second? Who came up with that little gem of a phrase? You KNOW nothing good comes from combining PAP and SMEAR. SMEAR. I don’t want anything SMEAR-related going on down there.
But still it’s been on my list. But it keeps getting bumped to next month’s to-do list. It just doesn’t seem urgent. Or for obvious reasons, appealing.
Is that bad? Is that like 8 year tumor bad?
And you know this soup I made?
It’s been in my fridge for 13 days.
Just sitting in the fridge in 4 tupperwares.
It just doesn’t seem like a pressing matter. It just gets away from me. Someday I’ll do it.
I am a crazy, lazy soup hoarder / pap smear avoider.
And there’s no big take-away from this.
Perhaps this is a public cry for help, in which case, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.
Here are some topics I’d love to have addressed:
1. Why haven’t I gotten a pap smear?
2. Why haven’t I thrown out the soup?
3. What is the deeper issue going on here?
You are also welcome to yell
THROW THE SOUP OUT
GET A PAP SMEAR
But I need you to know that approach hasn’t worked yet.
Regardless, please help me.
Within the next 8 years.