I’ve just woken up and I already feel the wave.
The wave of today’s problems set upon me.
They didn’t like what I said but they liked what everyone else said. I have to send that message. Why haven’t they texted me back? I’m going to have to let them know that I might have to cancel last minute. Will they understand? I have to text them back. Do they think I’m avoiding them? I’m so tired. Let’s stay in tonight. Let’s plan a group trip. I never want to see another human being again.
And then there’s
Everyone reads your blog but no one wants to sit down with you and talk about it.
Everyone knows about your marriage but no one wants to check in on you.
And the constantly-feeling-like-I’m-in-the-midst-of-people-saying-to-each-other
Oh sorry I couldn’t make it last night!
Let’s text each other and find a time!
A time for what?
Now I don’t want you to think Poor Andrea.
But if I’m claiming to be Honest shouldn’t I be?
Even if it means it gets a little awkward?
(And I’ve already told you I’m not afraid of awkward.)
To be honest, I’m frustrated because once again
I’m everybody’s friend and nobody’s friend.
That’s my story and I can’t seem to get it out of me.
That no matter where I go, or what I do, it’s always the same narrative.
You see, I’ve lived in seven states and two countries.
I’ve been to thirteen different schools and performed in over thirty productions, each with different casts or companies.
And I always like everyone and everyone likes me.
I’m friends with everyone and everyone is friends with me.
I think everyone’s great. And they usually don’t mind me.
I think I’m the one who you don’t invite because you think she has so many friends already.
And that sometimes I’m that girl who falls through the cracks.
That word doesn’t sum it up completely. To me, it just feels like
I know people but am I really friends with them?
The one who’s everybody’s friend and nobody’s friend at all.
I get close to people and they move or I move or they go on tour or I get busy.
I’ve known so many and none at all.
I have endless dear, old friends and no best friends.
You see, although I don’t like attention, I don’t like to be forgotten.
And although I wish I were invited, I probably would have wanted to stay in anyway.
And I’m honest but I’m private.
No one gets to know anything about me until they ask. If you ask, I’ll tell you anything. I’m an open book, a well of stories waiting to burst out.
But only if you ask.
But as I write, I realize how many untruths are in my words.
I need to write a pep talk to myself. To remind myself of The Truth.
Isn’t life just a series of reminders of stuff you already know?
I know all of this. I just need to remember.
You have lots of friends. Lots of people love and care for you.
Anything that says otherwise is a flat-out lie.
And you have baggage. You’re broken and bruised and and carry scars from the transient life you’ve lived. You’ve never planted your roots. And from that came wisdom and adventure and compassion, but you never learned friend-making or friend-keeping tools. You never learned to be a good friend because you never got the chance. You haven’t stayed in one place for more than 2 years. It’s not your fault.
You are also predisposed to friendship troubles. Social anxiety, moodiness, codependency, introvertism. You hate to talk on the phone and get easily overwhelmed. You’ve had a lot of things going against you. So stop getting anxious about all that you can’t control and start looking ahead and see how you can change and grow.
And Andrea, everyone else is broken and bruised too. They are just as anxious and confused, and anything that says otherwise is a flat-out lie. Because we are all broken and flawed and imperfect and just trying to do the best we can in this world.
So Andrea, always give the benefit of the doubt. Relax and trust. Remember that every one can’t get invited to everything. Know there is a time and a season for different friendships to bloom. Work on yourself. Commit to working on being a more loving and giving. Know and believe that you can only control your actions and your thoughts. Cling to the truth, not the lies. See the good in people, not the bad. Be grateful. Be patient. Be kind. Be authentic. And never forget that you are already so beloved and befriended by God that those feelings from anyone else are merely sprinkles on an already decadent, elaborately decorated, three-tiered yellow cake with chocolate frosting.
And anything that says otherwise is a flat-out lie.