It’s just too exhausting to tell you everything. I don’t even know where to start.
BJ has lymphoma. And will likely be starting chemo on Tuesday.
BJ is in New York.
It’s not ideal on many levels.
And I’m a bit sad and angry that some assumed I’d be leaving my dream job to come back to New York.
But guys, the only thing shittier than cancer is cancer AND me giving up a dream role.
I just needed to say that.
Not that it’s anyone’s business anyway.
I told you I’m too exhausted for this.
I’ve been hopeful all week. (We got the news last Tuesday.) But now I’m just exhausted.
I mean, this week I felt GOOD. I should’ve blogged through it just to prove it.
I felt lifted up and calm. Peaceful. Trusting. Good things.
And now I’m just angry.
But not at God, at people.
God is awesome, but people are shitty and flawed (with me included, gurrrrl).
Man. This isn’t the cancer post I wanted to write. Like I said, I felt great all week.
But today, tonight, I’m exhausted. So here I am, writing this awful update.
“Praise Jesus the Healer!” is NOT what I’m going to say.
“Shit.” IS what I’m going to say.
Exhausted and fearful is where I am at right in this moment.
And you know what?
THAT IS OKAY.
I know that for certain.
It is OKAY for me to feel this way.
It’s OKAY for me to tell you I feel this way.
It’s just all SO very okay.
And here’s why:
Now you’ll know that when I tell you I’m feeling good, I’ll REALLY be feeling good.
Isn’t honesty great like that?
So I’m going to keep writing. Through this shit storm.
I’m sorry, shit is just my word du jour. It’s just feeling SO good to type. It’s like therapy for my soul.
And who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll have something better to say.
And if not, I’ll let you know.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin.