I’m Exhausted / Cancer

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It’s just too exhausting to tell you everything. I don’t even know where to start.

BJ has lymphoma. And will likely be starting chemo on Tuesday.

I’m in Texas.

BJ is in New York.

It’s not ideal on many levels.

And I’m a bit sad and angry that some assumed I’d be leaving my dream job to come back to New York.

But guys, the only thing shittier than cancer is cancer AND me giving up a dream role.

I just needed to say that.

Not that it’s anyone’s business anyway.

I told you I’m too exhausted for this.

I’ve been hopeful all week. (We got the news last Tuesday.) But now I’m just exhausted.

I mean, this week I felt GOOD. I should’ve blogged through it just to prove it.

I felt lifted up and calm. Peaceful. Trusting. Good things.

And now I’m just angry.

But not at God, at people.

God is awesome, but people are shitty and flawed (with me included, gurrrrl).

Man. This isn’t the cancer post I wanted to write. Like I said, I felt great all week.

But today, tonight, I’m exhausted. So here I am, writing this awful update.

“Praise Jesus the Healer!” is NOT what I’m going to say.

Shit.” IS what I’m going to say.

Exhausted and fearful is where I am at right in this moment.

And you know what?

THAT IS OKAY.

I know that for certain.

It is OKAY for me to feel this way.

It’s OKAY for me to tell you I feel this way.

It’s just all SO very okay.

And here’s why:

Now you’ll know that when I tell you I’m feeling good, I’ll REALLY be feeling good.

Isn’t honesty great like that?

So I’m going to keep writing.  Through this shit storm.

I’m sorry, shit is just my word du jour. It’s just feeling SO good to type. It’s like therapy for my soul.

And who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll have something better to say.

And if not, I’ll let you know.
 
 
 
 
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  • Tabitha

    Love the honest words! Hate that this shit is happening to you and BJ!

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      Yeah, SERIOUSLY cancer, WTF? Thanks for cursing with me. Love you, Tabitha.

  • http://www.frillsinthehills.com Liss

    SHIT is a good word for this situation. Holy frucking hell would be another three words. Nobody’s business to judge why you are there or here or anywhere. I’m hoping you’re getting lots of love and support. I’m sorry this is happening to you both – it’s completely shitty!

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      Hahahaha. I am definitely going to add “holy frucking hell” to my repertoire. We have been getting SO much support, just needed to CURSE LIKE HELL yesterday. And guess what? Today I feel great! Hah!

  • GJ

    I love you, Andrea! And I love BJ! You are two of my favorite people in the world…. and cancer IS shitty ! So there!

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      Hahahahah. LOVE YOU GJ! I’ve never heard you curse before!

  • Cory

    Andrea, cancer wil be exhausting for you both. You will be sick of hearing the word cancer and all the advice & well meaning or nosy comments you will get. I don’t know what his chemo plan is but I pray that in a year you will look back and say, “whew, we made it thru that shit and are still standing strong!” You shouldn’t give up your dream and what people may not realize it’s 7 weeks not 7 months, and I bet BJ told you to stay where you are. Only one of you need to be at the hospital, with technology & the beauty of Skpe you don’t have to miss hearing anything. (well minus the phone vs toilet) If people want to help tell them to go do his laundry, bring a meal, clean the bathtub, pray. Be productive in a positive way otherwise keep the negavity away your don’t need that shit! You rock that play and dazzle everyone with your brilliance and beauty. You earned this and worked hard to get this. Cancer sucks and it is just shitty anyway you look at it. But he has cancer, it doesn’t have him or you. Keep living both of you!! LIVE, LOVE, enjoy your life, work, laugh, plan, dream….don’t let this shit take over the vision or the faith you have in the life you want.

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      Thank you Cory. I am so grateful for your insight. It’s exhausting and I am just taking it day by day. Today I feel great! And our church has been taking such good care of BJ, and his mom is with him too.

      But you’re so right. Got to stay positive! I’m working day by day to not let it dictate my life.

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  • http://NWAcousticGuitar.com Harry Smith

    There aren’t many feelings better than a good “shit!” BJ is supporting you just as much as you are supporting him. Keep your spirits up, Andrea, any way you can.

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      Oh yes, it’s been very cathartic! Today I feel great!

  • Hae Sung Brown

    Andrea, my love, you are being attacked by Satan…and I want you to know FOR SURE, that not only does HE LOVE you and BJ, he wants you both to feel BLANKETED in HIS LOVE!!! You are an exceptional wife and I feel VERY confident that BJ would want you to to follow your dreams and finish this role, as planned. My best friend Angie just went through living with a Hodgkin’s diagnosis and treatment, and as a mother of a 4 year old girl she is HEALTHY and WELL :) PLEASE take this message as a LOVE NOTE from the bottom of my heart!!! do NOT lose heart and God will NOT fail you during this shit storm of woes!!! xoxo

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      You should be a motivational speaker, you know. love you Hae Sung! <3

  • Maddie Stafford

    I think “shit” is the first thing that I thought or said aloud when I saw that BJ was in the hospital and that you were in TX. Shit- because WTF, cancer? Why do you get to attack my friends? Fucking cancer.
    But BJ is going to kick the shit out of cancer and you are going to kick ass in TX and if you ever need someone to help you remember all the amazing strength that you and BJ both have, I’m here to help remind you.

    Love. Love yourselves deeply. Love will heal. Inhale, exhale love.

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      YES MADDIE. I love hearing my friends curse on my behalf. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Today I’m feeling warm and fuzzy. You’re always so good at telling me just what I need to hear. LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU.

  • Lindy

    Down right fury plus a good dose of lava is just the right dump to pore onto this puffed up wad called cancer. All of your dear friends here and everywhere who are telling you they love you, know how much you love God and BJ and that faith and love are weapons; I so agree.

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      FURY & LAVA! Yes! Love that imagery- that’s JUST how I feel. Love you much, Lindy.

  • Corinne m

    And you’re gonna kick assssss in Millie. Just had to be said. I wish I could be there to see the brilliance.

    • http://andreaenright.net Andrea Enright

      Thanks, girl. SAD TO BE ALL ARONE IN DA WHIRLLLLLDDDDDDDD.

  • Z

    Andrea, I’m so sorry to hear this. I will keep BJ and your entire family in my prayers. I for one prefer saying “Cancer SUCKS!” There’s just no better way of saying it.

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