Feeling Icky

Feeling Icky | andreaenright.net

 

I felt an uneasiness as I tried to go to bed last night.

I put my head to my pillow and the streets were miraculously quiet (thank you NYC Snowpocalypse 2015).

But I still couldn’t sleep.

I had written this post. I shared our bad news. And so many people reached out. Shared my post. Said nice things. Bought BJ’s photos.

And I felt a cloak of ickyness weigh down on me.

I felt ashamed. Awkward. Embarrassed.

Maybe I shouldn’t have asked for help. They could have done something better with their money. We don’t deserve this.

So I had to check in with my spirit. I had to get down to it and ask myself:

Am I feeling uncomfortable because I shouldn’t have asked those people to help us? Because I did the wrong thing?

or

Am I feeling uncomfortable because I am overwhelmed and shocked by the grace raining down on us?

And before I could think the thought,

the words

Grace
Grace
Grace
Grace

swelled up in my soul.

You feel uncomfortable because your uncomfortable with My Great Grace.

(Thanks a lot, soul.)

And of course I felt uncomfortable–

Love was POURING OUT upon us.

And it felt strange. Uneasy. To feel, hear, see tangible support.

You see, we live in a time where strength means Do-It-Yourself and success means Independence.

AGH CATS SHUT UP.

(My cats won’t stop meowing.)

Ok. I lied guys. Remember this? I lied. I can’t stop. First lie: I’m writing this late at night. I said I tried to fall asleep last night but what I should have said is THIS night. Blogging is hard guys. I was trying to write this post as if it were tomorrow. Am I making sense? Probably not. Because Midnight. Anyways, I lied.

I ALSO lied about the house being miraculously quiet. It’s not. Snowpocalypse seems to only HEIGHTEN the amount of sound I am hearing.

HELLO truck scooping snow at MIDNIGHT.
HELLO neighbors below listening to TV at MIDNIGHT
HELLO neighbors above walking around at MIDNIGHT
HELLO cats down the hall meowing to get out. NO YOU CAN’T YOU WILL WAKE US UP AT 5 AM YOU WILL NOT BE SET FREE FROM THE OFFICE YOU WILL STAY IN THE OFFICE AND NO YOU CAN’T SLEEP WITH US UNTIL YOU LEARN NOT TO MEOW AT US AT 5AM ON THE DOT AND KNOCK AROUND LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN THE ROOM. GLASSES. PHONES. CANDLES. NO CATS NO.

So actually, snowpocolypse is making everything sound-y-ER. (That’s a word. Sound-y-ER. Meaning “with more sound.” And NO it’s not soundier, it’s SOUND-Y-ER.)

Seriously. The quiet streets are making everything louder.

ANYWAYS.

Grace.

This all goes to show I am very uncomfortable with grace. With help. With love. With compliments. With people buying things and supporting us and saying lovely words.

AND with all the annoying sounds I keep hearing. NEIGHBORS. BE QUIET.

ANYWAYS.

Grace.

I’m clearly learning something. Because I am TERRIBLE at this.

I feel an ickyness. A shame. A cloud hovering. Because my brain tells me

You shouldn’t need help.
If you were stronger, you would be fine.
How embarrassing that you shared you were struggling.

When I should instead be celebrating the miraculous, undeserved grace I’m receiving.

But it makes sense. If I have a lying habit, my brain must too!

GUYS. My BRAIN is a LIAR JUST like me! My brain is lying.

Because I DO need help! I do I DO.

And YES. Receiving grace is GOOD.

So thanks, friends, thanks for the help.

Thanks for purchasing prints and sharing on facebook and saying nice things and praying your guts out.

And thanks, soul. Thanks for helping me point out my brain’s lies. For reminding me it’s OK to need help. For telling me grace grace grace grace every time I need it.

 

 

 

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  • Elizabeth Rondthaler Jolley

    So hard. I agree. I was raised by very independent, determined parents. Parents with high levels of education, parents with parents who were writers, poets, literary critics, teachers, & well-known, beloved people in their communities. No pressure on me, right? So I thought I had to do it all, be everything, and never say never. So hard. I am thankful that age eventually teaches even the most stubborn of us (that would be me….) to give in a bit, to relax the standards, to accept the help we need, and above all, to realize that we can/are/have paid it back/forward every time we reach out to others in small or great need. A smile & a chat with a clerk in a grocery store, a shoulder for a sad friend, advice for one who asks, recipes shared, money donated–these are all the good we do daily in our lives. Yet somehow, when someone gives us something arbitrarily valuable, we revert to that shame that lurks inside. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Not in the fight against cancer, and certainly not in the fight against internal shame & guilt. I know you are extremely, overwhelmingly grateful. Let that feeling rise to the top, and banish the rest to a lower level, and keep on keeping on :-)

  • Joy King Collins

    WE all need help. Not reaching out is the arrogance that we can live as islands. Not so. Most people want to help anyway they can. You are making US feel better Andrea. Keep posting when you have the energy. I think your writing is beautiful- much better than than Gillian Flynn- Gone Girl- atrocious!