Written on Mother’s Day, 2015.
This verse mocks me:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6,7
Be anxious for nothing?
What the **** is God thinking?
It’s Mother’s Day. Last Mother’s Day I was thinking and hoping and praying that I was pregnant. We had tried that cycle, and had tried the cycle before.
A whole year has passed. And who knows when I’ll be a mother, IF I’ll be a mother.
Be anxious for ******************* NOTHING???!!!
I have struggled with my identity and my purpose. I had finally landed on family. I wanted motherhood, pregnancy, childbirth, homesteading, urban living.
BUT WE GOT CANCER.
I am so angry.
But I think mostly I am sad.
I feel like I’ve had a disproportionate amount of trauma in my life.
I could list it all out for you.
Ok, I will.
No, I won’t. It’s too sad and too long to list.
So you’re just gonna have to trust me on this–
That I can’t help but feel like at the age of 25, I’ve had a lifetime’s worth of disappointment, pain, and ruin.
And I am pissed about.
It is so unfair that the word unfair is and unfair word to use because it doesn’t even convey how unfair it is.
Right now I can feel the Spirit prompting me to write encouraging things. It wants me to feel hopeful.
Ok, I guess I do slowly feel better as I write this all out. I’m starting to feel a little bit of that the-worst-things-have-already-happened-to-me-so-what-do-I-have-to-lose sort of feeling.
And…… that was short lived. I’m pissed again.
You know, everyone has THAT tragedy that affects them most. You know, the kind of thing that would just CRUSH them. And I feel like I’ve already had the two most painful things I can fathom – betrayal in my marriage and being denied a biological child and a pregnancy.
Because my greatest dreams in life were to have a good marriage and a biological child.
Now, all hope is not lost. I believe in the beauty of my future. I believe I will have children (adopted and biological), and that I will have a good marriage.
And I KNOW I’m being whiny—
BUT IT IS JUST TAKING SO LONG.
I WANTED TO BE A MOM THREE YEARS AGO. I WAS READY THREE YEARS AGO. MY UTERUS WILL EXPLODE IF I HAVE TO WAIT 3 MORE YEARS, HELL, I CAN HARDLY WAIT 3 MONTHS. 3 WEEKS, EVEN.
And it just feels like God is trying to crush me under his boot, like just really get me all squashed up before the GOOD things in life will come to me.
And it’s an awful, pit-in-your-stomach sort of feeling.
It’s testing my patience.
And it’s making me sad.
No cancer, babies, and a happy life, PRONTO.
DO YOU HEAR ME GOD?????????????????????
Ugh. He probably does.
(But that was fun.)
God is so weird.
I’m having flashbacks to when I was a clay pot.
(Go read it.)
(Did you do it?)
And I’m feeling better already.
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