It’s Hard and Sad and I want him back

 
I can’t believe this is my life.

No BJ. No BJ ever again.

Everything I’ve known, everything I’ve ever wanted, was wrapped up in BJ.

Now he’s not here.

It’s so bad.

It’s getting worse.

It’s settling in again that he’s gone forever.

These past two months have been a vacation from cancer. But now I’m ready for it to be over. I’m ready for BJ to be back. I’m ready to be his wife again. I’ll take anything on. Stem cell transplants and chemo and transfusions and in vitro. I’ll take it all to have him back.

I just want him back so bad.

And life is hard.

Clients are starting to get annoyed.

Computers are breaking and his password logins are jumbling together.

There’s still so much to DO– taxes, emails, bank accounts, sorting, editing, clients.

It’s so hard. It’s unbearably hard. It’s so much WORK. AND he’s dead. He’s dead AND there’s so much work to do.

I can take work. I can take him being dead. But BOTH? It’s more than I can handle. I’m being crushed. Crushed under the weight of work to do. Crushed by the gravity of losing him forever.

Oh God, Oh Abba, why have you brought me to this place? I’m trying to trust you but everything is so Hard and Sad.

So hard.

So sad.

I need miracles in the form of strong internet connections and quick work sessions. I need miracles like money and a future and a lighter load. I need the miracle of help. Of peace. Of rest.

I’m trying so hard to trust you.

This is so hard.

I want BJ back.

I want it all back. That smelly city and that creaky apartment and those mean doctors- I want it back if it means I get him back.

I just want him back.

I’d give anything to have him back.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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