I’m just broken

 
On September 15, 2015, my friend Grace Smith gave birth to and met her son Cohen Micah Smith. He had died suddenly and unexpectedly in her womb.

On September 15, 2015, my friend Katie Campbell, watched her young husband slip into a sleep and pass away after a long and brave battle with cancer.
 
 

Ruined. Ruined this week.

Two deaths this week.
Two deaths impacting two sweet, tender-hearted, God-fearing friends of mine.
Two deaths of two people WAY TOO SOON.

I’m just broken.

That’s two deaths,

Not counting my BJ’s death.

I just couldn’t do last week.

I can’t do this week.

I can’t do life.

I can’t do this.

I can’t watch babies die and another twentysomething find herself widowed.

It’s the kind of thing that elicits

(pardon my french)

a BIG OLE

WHAT THE F***???????

I’m just broken.

I back deep in the depths of grief. BJ mixed with Cohen mixed with Tim.

(All of whom are hanging out having a blast in Heaven, so that’s a bit of comfort.)

But still

I’M JUST BROKEN.

Take me Abba, take me to BJ and Cohen and Tim. Take me Lord.

I don’t want to do life without them.

How are we supposed to do life without them?

I’m just broken.

So broken.

BJ’s death left a gaping wound on the front of my chest. The blood had just stopped gushing out and the edges were JUST starting to heal.

But then Cohen died.

And then Tim died.

And my heart ripped open all over again, as I cried out in grief, in horror.

I don’t know what to think.

I’m going to read this book so maybe I’ll learn something.

But for now I’m just broken.

I’m pissed
ruined
hurting
devastated

broken.

Oh Abba help us. We are broken before you over this death.

Broken before you.

Just broken.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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  • Elizabeth Rondthaler Jolley

    Oh, sweet Andrea, I am so, so sorry. These deaths would always have shocked and hurt, but right now your heart is still too damaged, too tender. We humans are supposed to hurt when people die too soon. The older we are, the more we understand how huge the loss of just one life too early, before the many years they should have lived. Our hearts are supposed to break–that is what makes us human, in all its pain and all its glory. But I am so very sorry that your heart is broken open again.