It’s getting weirder to write publicly. I feel either feel fine/good/hopeful/amazing or I feel like a desolate wasteland of pain and emotion. And it is weird to feel both of those things.
I feel both those things but I feel ONLY those things. I’m either hopeless or hope-full. I live in the extremes. And rarely, rarely in between.
After facing some VERY dark days the last few weeks, I’ve been able to keep my head above the waves for a bit. I’m on an upswing. I feel the energy, the hope. That’s good. But it’s weird.
So when I’m feeling good, it’s weird to have people tell me mushy-gushy sad things about BJ.
I’m feeling GOOD! I’m going to do BIG THINGS. I’m surviving and working-on-thriving!
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME SAD BJ STORIES?
But when I was sad, lonely, dark, depressed– when I craved the memories and love of BJ– the lovely mushy gushy words weren’t there.
I seem to never get what I need.
I never get what I need from other people.
(God, on the other hand, is doing a great job.)
I don’t get what I need from other people. Ever.
BUT OF COURSE I DON’T!
You’re not a mind reader!
OF COURSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I NEED! You’re a flawed human being and so am I! And we’ve never done this before! So of course we suck at this!
So I don’t blame anyone. Anyone.
But it does make it hard for me if I hear something I don’t need to hear.
You know what I’m saying?
Like when I’m sad, I don’t need to hear “God is in control! You will do BIG THINGS!!!!!”
And when I’m happy, I don’t need to hear “BJJJJJJJJ we misssssss youuuu sooooooo much.”
I know. It’s confusing. I get it, you’d rather say nothing. (And many people are. And it hurts.)
But that’s not the answer either.
So here’s my advice–
You need Jesus. Or the Holy Spirit. Or at least some thoughtfulness and meditation if the Jesus thing is not your style. (#nojudgement)
I don’t know how to put this, but I guess I’m saying just REALLY think before you speak. Like when you are reaching out to someone fragile ABOUT something fragile, you need to be thinking-before-you’re-speaking on STEROIDS.
If you’re reaching out to me, try to really depend on something other-worldly before you reach out. Have you prayed over what you’re going to say? Is it something I need? Is what you want to say to me something that makes YOU feel better or do you think God is letting you know it might actually make ME feel better?
And after you’ve prayed about it, thought about, share it!
And don’t be offended if I don’t respond. It can just be so exhausting to keep up with messages. Grief is exhausting.
And don’t be offended if what you said wasn’t helpful. I’ll be honest about it with you. Because honesty is the best policy. Because we will never get better or do better if we can’t be honest.
And maybe just send me mail. Mail is the best.
Mail allows me the space to receive comfort and memories and feelings when I need it or want it.
So yeah, the moral of the story might just be send mail.