How am I?
Thanksgiving was hard. The week after my birthday was hard. Sundays are hard.
But reality has certainly settled in. He’s really gone and I’m really single and I am doubting what I want to do with my life.
When there are TOO many options you feel like you have no options, ya know? So I feel a bit paralyzed. Major decision fatigue. And to be honest, I really just want to fall in love again.
If I can’t have BJ, the reality is I’ll have to meet someone new if I want those things I loved so much. I miss all those lovely married things– having a best friend, making a home, sharing my life with someone, pillow talk, being a wife. Not to mention my baby fever.
And though I want those things and BJ would want those things FOR me, I just can’t *make* them happen. Falling in love has no timeline. So I have no idea when or if these things will happen for me again.
And though I wish I could sit around and do nothing until a new love comes, I know I have to use this time I have to pursue new things, new dreams. But still I’m not happy about it.
Oh and speaking of falling love, tangent alert: guys, I’m terrified. Oh the judgment I fear I’ll face whenever the words “Andrea” and “dating” finally come up in the same sentence. THE WIDOW DATES! HOW DARE SHE! I’ve read all the widow blogs and the consensus amongst them is clear. The widow dates too soon? SCANDAL! The widow waits too long? SHE NEEDS TO GET HERSELF BACK OUT THERE! No matter what we can’t win. And no matter what, when that dating day comes, the widow will be judged, because she either took too long or “moved on” too soon. WE CAN’T WIN. AND HAVEN’T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH? LET’S GET OUT OF THE WIDOW-JUDGING BUSINESS. #widowproblems
And while we’re getting honest, it’s been so hard for me physically. The grief. My body is out of control. I get my tennis shoes laced up and then I feel weak and exhausted. I plan a walk with a friend and then sadness hits and I can’t leave the house. And though I try to eat less, the scale won’t budge. So I am bigger and sadder than I ever thought possible.
I try to give myself grace and space. I try to remind myself that I’ve been through the Hardest Thing Ever. That my identity isn’t in my extra weight. But I just want my clothes to fit darn it! And I want energy! And it seems I just need someone to kick my butt and force me out the door because I really do love a walk in the fresh air.
I don’t know, folks. I feel big, sad, stuck, hopeless.
And though I know those things are temporary-
That they aren’t my identity-
It’s hard to remember.
I guess I’m just trying to find out who I am without BJ. Without acting. Without New York. Who am I? What do I want? What does God want? I’m open to anything, I just want to do the right thing. I want to work at the right place. Marry the right person. Have the right life.
But I know that’s a bad way to look at it.
One step at a time, Andrea.
One step at a time.
Also, you’re doing good, Andrea.
You’re doing good.
Will you help me remember the truth?
Tell me I’m beautiful and will be happy again and that I have a hope and a future?
Will you believe it for me when I can’t and remind me when I forget?
Thank you, friends.
Please know I read all your comments.
(Though I’m terrible at responding to them. #widowproblems)
Love you all.
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