It’s been 313 days.
13 has always been my special number.
So when I went to the little date calculator to calculate how many days I’ve lived with BJ dead,
before I even plugged in the numbers I thought to myself…
“I bet it’s been 313 days. Because of course it would be. Because 13 is my special number for BJ.”
And there we go, 313 days indeed.
And also OF COURSE it’s been 313 days.
And also, ever noticed how the letter “B” is a 1 and 3 smashed together?
That the “B” of BJ himself is my lucky number 13?
I just think that’s so cool.
Thanks for the wink, Abba.
In other news, it feels like posting an update on facebook or instagram is such such a commitment these days. It seems very public, very exposed.
And so I struggle with knowing when and where to share my private thoughts.
I’m happy baring my soul. I want to share the private moments of grief and joy and pain and hope,
but sometimes it can feel so cheap to post on facebook and get a billion likes.
Did they really read? Did they really care? Did they really pray?
So I’m here at the blog, a place where my innermost thoughts still feel safe. As long as I don’t share this post on facebook, it’s a small tribe who gathers here and reads and prays for me and loves me well.
If you’re reading, I’m grateful for you.
When something big happens, something life-changing and utterly life-altering happens,
things can start feeling cheap.
Anything that is not Big or Meaningful feels cheap.
And so I crave real real real things.
And I want real hugs and real friends and real prayers.
And I realize what really matters in this life.
And nothing else will do.
And yet the irony is I find myself filling up with cheap things like scrolling facebook and watching videos and wasting time.
It’s not all bad. But then I wonder if I’m spending my nights with media in the absence of spending them with BJ.
I am craving love desperately.
Deep down I know God can meet my every need. He HAS met my every need.
But still God gives us earthly relationships to be a reflection of His love here on earth.
And so I find myself craving deep friendship. Craving to be deeply known. Craving to be deeply loved.
I know the cravings aren’t bad.
God designed us to crave good things– Love is good. Friendship is good. Marriage is good.
But I have to first orient those cravings around my desperate need for God.
I feel like I’m rambling but who’s reading this anyway? Hah.
My heart is healing but I still daily need to do brain yoga to wrap my mind around my new reality.
My new life.
Oh Abba, what do you have in store for me?
I’m trying to trust you.
Oh Abba, where do you want to lead me?
I’ll go anywhere for you.
Oh Abba, who am I supposed to invest myself in?
You know me better than I know myself.
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