Here’s how it goes:
I finally get my butt to a coffee shop to get some writing done
And then, and only then, do I feel like crying.
On the verge of tears.
Mind going fuzzy.
Lump in the throat.
And though I’m here, ready to write,
All I want to do is cry.
(Even though I haven’t cried in like, 5 days.)
Yes, only now,
Do I feel the budding tears in my eyes.
This is why I can’t get anything done.
BECAUSE GRIEF IS UNPREDICTABLE.
Because after a few good months
And then May being a REALLY bad month
And then June seeming to be a little bit better…
It starts sinking in OH GOD HE DIED JUNE LAST YEAR.
And all you can say is OH GOD.
(And you literally mean OH GOD. OH GOD, PLEASE HELP. ARE YOU LISTENING, GOD?)
And you also say NO.
It cannot have been almost a year since you’ve seen a living, breathing BJ.
NO, God, NO.
OH GOD, no.
You cannot have survived a year without your best friend.
No God. This can’t be real.
What is time? How is time? Where is time?
How has this happened?
How is it June, June of June 26, 2015 fame?
And not only do I feel pain and shock and fear
But I have no idea what to do with my life moving forward.
I want a baby in my belly.
And I can’t believe how everyone manages to stay alive so well.
How so many husbands don’t die.
How so many women have children and families and homes.
I try not to through myself a pity party.
But I also cannot deny the pain.
And so I say
Over and over and over.
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