Friends, I’ve been silent because I’m grieving and grief is hard.
I’m well acquainted with grief and if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned
Grief is non-linear.
Grief is hard.
And we all grieve differently.
And as I’ve been watching the news, I’ve realized that for me, I’m in that “shock” part of grief. I’m numb. I’m frightened. I feel paralyzed and overwhelmed. At least that’s how I feel today.
On Tuesday it was BJ’s birthday. I had a really hard day. So when I heard about Alton Sterling I just couldn’t process it. More death? Come on. This day was hard enough. So I had to stay at a distance.
On Wednesday night the tears came as I watched the video of Philando Castile. I sobbed for his fiancee, Diamond Reynolds, because I know what it is like to watch the man you love die right in front of your eyes. I sobbed because I was broken by the injustice. By the violence. By his death. By her pain. By the journey of grief she is about to walk through.
On Thursday night I heard the news of Dallas. I didn’t cry. I just felt horrified. Numb. More deaths. More violence. That’s where my grief took me last night. My grief for our country, for the violence, for the racism, for the deaths.
Friends, I’m grieving.
Tomorrow, I don’t know how I’ll feel. Grief is odd that way. I may be numb again or maybe angry or I may be devastated or hope-filled.
I don’t know. Grief shifts and changes.
So I guess I just want to offer up the thought that, just as I may need to be silent or loud, angry or hopeful, and everything between, all of us are grieving differently in this scary time.
Some of us are angry.
Some of us are broken.
Some of us are hopeful.
Some of us are numb.
But I know there is room for all of us.
And I know God is big enough for all our pain.
In times like this I look to the Psalms. In the Psalms I see both lament and praise. In the Psalms I see room for hope and despair.
And I remember in times of grief,
We should have hope and despair.
We should raise our voices and silence them in prayer.
We should have anger and compassion.
Both / And.
Yes and Yes.
All of the above.
But we should be grieving.
There is a time for everything under the sun.
I think now is our time to grieve.
Sadness, anger, hope and all.
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