For me, the easy thing is Grad School.
It sounds weird to stay, but I know for me, for Andrea, the easy choice would be to go to grad school.
The harder choice is rest.
You see, I thrive in academia. I like expectations and I’m a quick reader and I’m a good essay writer and I’m an overall a rule-following, people-pleasing, high strung Classic Good Student.
So if you threw me into just about any grad school program in a topic I’m semi-interested I’m sure I’d do pretty well.
Now it’s not because I’m better or smarter than anyone else. It’s just the education system is rigged to benefit people like me.
(Rule-following, Type A Suck-ups.)
So for me, grad school would be a relatively achievable and successful path. And an easy thing to commit myself to.
And perhaps, most of all, grad school would be an easy answer to give inquiring people.
Can you just imagine it?
Oh dear, sad, widow. You must get on with your life. What are you doing when you return from Zimbabwe?
Oh I’m doing fancy important academic things! I’m making decisions! I’m going to Grad School!
It’s impressive. It’s logical. It’s fancy.
But it’s be much harder to say
Um… I don’t know.I really want to be married. I miss sex. I want to have babies. Oh and I’m still figuring out things. I want to get a job. Probably just part-time to start. I like having lots of time to myself. I want to do more hot yoga.We have this new puppy…
Now it isn’t fancy or special or important.
It even sounds lazy and indulgent and juvenile.
And yet I know it’s right for me.
And I kinda hate that we judge people who choose simple lives.
Can’t we all just walk our own paths and high five each other?
I just feel as though I’ll be questioned for needing more time.
I know God has a plan for me.
I know it I know it I know it.
It is good and it is big and it is radiant.
But I ALSO know that that plan includes rest.
Now the plan probably does involve grad school, but I will table that for later.
When I have some peace.
So until then,
Here I go,
Away from my Easy Thing.
And into that