September 12

 

Sometimes I think to myself:

All I have is books and cats and stuff.

That’s it.

That’s all I have in this world.

Stuff. And cats.

No husband. No children. No home of my own.

No career or vision or guidance.

I have my family.

Yes, and I am so grateful for that.

But I think about what is just mine.

I feel downgraded.

Depleted.

And nonexistent.

I remember I have me, though.

I have myself.

And I’ve always remembered I have God.

 
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I have myself.

I have my thoughts, my prayers, my dreams.

And I realize that is a lot of stuff to contain.

And with BJ dead it is all up to me to contain it.

No one sees me.

No one knows me.

And all that is inside me is a mystery.

All my deep thoughts and songs and poetry.

All my books to be written and dreams to be manifested.

All my secrets.

It’s just between me and God.

I have nothing but myself

And God.

(And books and cats and stuff.)

 
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I feel overwhelmed by the depth inside of me.

I feel overwhelmed by the stories I want to share with you.

I want to tell you stories of God and Holy Spirit and Zimbabwe and my marriage and BJ’s death and the election and dating and what matters and orphan care and soul care and my favorite books and my future.

I have so much to tell you so I stay silent.

And keep the deep depths just between me and God.

 
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Part of me just wants to fall in love and tell the New Person all the secret things.

(Part of me wonders if I’ve already told you too much.)

That’s how it was like with BJ.

I had him to tell all my secret things.

I didn’t fret when I didn’t blog or write or share my dreams and thoughts and ideas.

I just told him.

And he carried my depth and he held me and helped me and listened to me.

And now with him gone, I think:

To whom do I tell my deepest thoughts?

Is it even appropriate to tell the internet your deepest thoughts?

You people are wonderful but you don’t love me deeply and madly and intimately like BJ did.

Can I trust you?

I don’t know.

And I don’t have BJ to ask.

(He gave the best advice.)

I feel like I should store up my feelings until it’s safe or far away enough to share with you.

Or until I find a New Love to share my soul with.

So all I can do now is talk to God.

That’s all I got.

It’s me and God.

And yet I freak out when I tell God it doesn’t feel like enough.

I want a human love, too, God.

I love you,

But I want a husband love.

Soul love.

Holding-hands love.

A love I can kiss.

And cuddle.

And take care of.

And have babies with.

 
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I’ve told you too much.

But I’ve already written it, so I’ll post it.

My thoughts don’t seem real unless I actually hit the “Publish” button.

And selfishly, I want a record of this journey.

So against my own advice,

Here I am sharing some secret thoughts with you,

Knowing that I’ve already shared them with God.
Wishing I could share them with BJ.
Hoping for someone to come along to share them in the future.

And deciding to go ahead and share it with you.

 
 
 
 

  • Bonnie Lesher

    You have done it agian. Ministering to me more than you will ever know my dear sweet internet blog friend whom I knew your mom when we were young girls and growing up together.