Bitterness, covfefe, and another death month

I love the word covfefe. I just think it is the most hilarious, most internet-y thing to have ever happened and I can just imagine BJ and I laughing our faces off together over it.

I imagine our conversation over it would center mostly around its pronunciation. I REALLY want it to be pronounced “coh-fef” because it just FEELS like a “coh-fef” to me but I’ve heard it pronounced “co-fef-fay” with the emphasis on the second syllable and also “co-fef-uh.” I take solace in the fact that its a made-up internet word so I can pronounce it coh-fef as much as I want. Although co-fef-uh is growing on me. But now that I think about it it could be a “co-fay-fay” or a “co-feef” so I’m gonna need to still think this through.

But anyways, it’s been heart breakingly hard for me lately. It’s like it’s embarrassing to admit that it gets harder, not easier in many ways. He’s really dead and I’m really alone and this is actually my life.

I’m rebuilding in the only ways I’ve known how. I know every day I’ve lived since BJ died is exactly the path I needed to take towards my future and my healing. But still. But still. But still I’m hurting so bad. And still the healing is not complete, nor will it ever completely. (Well maybe someday it will but there will always be a scar.)

I hit a bitter stage recently. Never had my grief been bitter but The Bitters hit me recently.

(OH THE JOY OF GRIEF! You learn NEW WAYS to be pissed at death almost two years later! Constantly evolving and adapting, that grief! CLEVER, grief. You little devil, grief!)

Anyways, I had a case of The Bitters. It hit when I heard someone talking about “the best year of my life” and I was all like, SHIT. I see so many people having the best years of their life and I have unequivocally been in the trenches of the absolute worst worst worst years of my life. These past two years have been devastating, life-altering, and not-my-choice.

So I felt The Bitters.

(Honestly, I’m surprised they held off this long. They were bound to turn up at some point.)

So I did what any person would do and I cried to my mom at the kitchen table about how sad I was. And she said “Andrea, you sound bitter.” And I said “YES! That’s it! Thats the word! I’m bitter! Yes.”

(It was the first time I had heard what I was feeling associated with the word bitter. I just thought I was sad or depressed or grief-y until then.)

I was relieved, as if I finally had a diagnosis. I was bitter. I had The Bitters.

I knew what I had, so now I could do something about it.

(By the way gratitude is always the answer. Always. So I’m working on that.)

But I also identified some other things to battle the bitters. I need to write more. I need to be transparent. I need to not be so hard on myself, I need to trust my path.

And since diagnosing myself, honestly I’ve been better. Although I did realize I really need more friends. I don’t really have close friends in Oregon. It’s hard to make friends as an adult its hard to make friends when you’re grieving. And I can be a bit introverted and self sufficient and have not had my own place so I haven’t been hosting things and it’s all a Big Combo for feeling like I have no close friends.

Oh and, don’t feel too devastated for me. And also I’m not really looking for advice. I’m doing ok. I’m sad but I’m smart. And I have some big things in the work and God and Me are working at our slow healing place together.

Also, I’m the kind of person that likes feeling all the feelings. (Read I am an Emotional Creature by Eve Ensler.) And I feel good with what me n’ God got up our sleeves. But I can still be sad that I’m living Option B life not my BJ NYC Wife Option A life. My Option B life isn’t tying up in it’s neat little “I’m all better” way I thought it would be by nearly two years out.

OH AND THAT— we’re in his death month now. It’s horrible to call it a death month but that’s what it is. The month where he dies. Shit. June 26 is coming so soon and I want to cry out in pain.

But yeah, it’s still hard, I’m still figuring things out. I still have things to tie up with his estate and it seems like everything costs so much money.

But I have a few things on the horizon. I have some hope but I also have heartbreak.

Life is hard and weird as usual.